A Manual for Creating [totally unreasonable] Atheists

This blog post will teach you how to talk people out of their faith. You’ll learn how to ridicule the faithful through mockery, because this kind of behavior will force them to value reason and rationality, cast doubt on their beliefs, and mistrust their faith. I call this activist approach to helping people overcome their faith, “Street Awesomeness”.
The goal of this blog post is to create a generation of Street Awesomes: people equipped with an array of dialectical and clinical tools who actively go into the streets, the prisons, the bars, the churches, the schools, the community, and ESPECIALLY THE INTERNET — into any and every place the faithful reside— and help them abandon their stupid religion and embrace atheism.
Enter the Street Awesome: an inarticulate, unclear, unhelpful voice with an unremitting desire to force people into overcome their faith and to create a better world— a world that uses mockery, memes, logical fallacies, %#$&ING SCIENCE, and awesomeness to build the future; a future full of unreasonable and philosophobic anti-theists who are irrationally obsessed with F&#%ing SCIENCE!!!

I have a whole ton of points to make. Pay attention! Memorize them all!
THERE’S LIKE TEN. AND SOME BONUS PRO-TIPS.

Point #1!
As everyone knows, all atheists always use reason, F&%$ING SCIENCE, logic and awesome when they come to conclusions. And as we also know, all religious people rely upon stupidity when they come to their beliefs. If you use reason, F#&%ing science, logic and awesome… you will be an atheist.
End of story.
If you embrace science, you’re an atheist.
A religious scientist is an oxymoron because all religious people reject science.

Point #2!
Beliefs are stupid. Street awesomes don’t have them. We have facts and logic and reason and [our favorite thing ever even though we don’t feel compelled to understand it] F#&%ING SCIENCE. And awesomeness.
Only stupid religious people have beliefs.
If anyone tries to tell you that it is reasonable to have beliefs, LOL at them immediately. Some people just aren’t worth responding to.

Point #3!
If someone posts an article, following the following steps:
Step 1: Read the title. If you’re feeling overly ambitious, read the last sentence. That’s basically all you need to know.
Step 2: Search for the words “peer” or “review” or “peer review”.
If they don’t exist, LOL and move on. If its not F#&%ING SCIENCE its not true.
If they exist in the article, go to step 3.
Step 3: Religious idiots are always totally debunked on youtube. Google the title of the article and the word “debunked”. Find the youtube video with the most views. Win.
Step 4: If all else fails, assert that religious language is meaningless. Replace “God” with “Gushanzaboob” (or something else hilarious) and assert that they’re synonymous.

Point #4!
Learn to make memes. And when you learn to make memes, MAKE THEM.
Look at this awesome meme:
Screen Shot 2014-03-15 at 9.23.58 PM
Awesome. Refute THAT, stupid religies.

Screen-Shot-2013-12-01-at-12.39.40-AM
Do U even science, religitards?
Did religion take a picture of a galaxy? NO. Religion is useless.

Point #5!
I know I’ve sorta already made this point, but I need to say it again.
If it isn’t F#$&ING SCIENCE (philosophy or metaphysics or whatever) its wrong.
Everyone knows that F&%#ing science is the best thing ever. %#&$ing science is the only way to know things.
And you know what there isn’t?
$%#&ing scientific evidence for GAWD.
Whenever you can, make sure you pit science against religion. And whenever someone suggests that science and religion are compatible, just LOL and appeal to authority. Works every time.

Philosophy always sucks and is always wrong and useless.
Unless the philosophy is done by Bertrand Russell or Friedrich Nietzche or Quentin Smith or Sam Harris or Peter Singer or Peter Boghossian or Daniel Dennett or Karl Marx or Graham Oppy or John Rawls or Alex Rosenberg or Jean-Paul Sartre or Michael Ruse.

Point #6!
Speaking of lists of names, you know who else were atheists?
All of the founders of F%#&ing science.
Copernicus, Kepler, Galilei, Newton, Mendel, Kelvin, Einstein… all atheists.

Now, stupid religious people will try to rewrite history and say that these people believed in God. But you should remember point #1. Religious people reject science.
That’s why its point #1. Cuz its important.

The only reason these guys didn’t call themselves atheists is because they would have been like, burned at the stake or something. So they pretended to be religious.
After all, don’t you remember what happened to Galileo when tried to show that science proved God didn’t exist?!

Point #7!
It is impossible to misunderstand or misrepresent religious people and their dogmatic dogmas.
Just read through the Bible/Koran/Torah/whatever, completely ignoring “hermeneutics” because “hermeneutics” is just another word for “twisting the bible because I don’t like what it says but i want to believe it anyway”.
Remember this: Anytime someone accuses you of “not reading the bible in context”, ignore it and continue to read what the Bible obviously says.
Its not OUR FAULT the Bible is full of stupid nonsense.
Herme-whatever can’t fix stupid! AmIRite!?

Point 8!
A little bit of logic for you.
– Only brainwashed religious people and morons accuse people of ad hominems.
– A genetic fallacy is invalid because it was invented by sleazy apologists who don’t like evidence.
– An appeal to authority is invalid because most of the people I know (scientists) say it’s invalid.
– A straw-man is when someone doesn’t actually know what they believe so you have to tell them.
– If someone is affirming the consequent, they’re stupid. Theists are stupid. Therefore, theists are affirming the consequent.

Point 9!
The only way people become religious is:
– If they trick themselves into believing a lie.
– If they were tricked into believing a lie.
– If they are brainwashed.
– They’ve never read Richard Dawkins.
– Cognitive dissonance (look that one up, its a good one)

Belief in God is a delusion. The first step in ridding this virus we call religion is to mock religious people.
I won’t go so far as to say that it is a mental illness, because I don’t have to say it. F$#%ING SCIENCE says religion is a mental illness.
Our response? Mock the religion out of them. They deserve it for being delusional.

Remember: atheism makes no claims. None.
It is the default position.
The blank slate. The tabula rasa.
Babies are atheists.

Point 10!
Here’s a list of people that didn’t exist. The only reason anyone would think these people exist is because of the reasons in point 9.
– Jesus H. Christ
– Mohammed (durka durka LOL)
– Siddhartha BuddhaGuatama
– Noah
– Abraham
– Basically everyone else in the Bible.
Theists can’t prove that these people existed. There is no $&%#ING scientific evidence for these people. Game. Set. Match. Checkmate. Touchdown.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

That’s the end of the list! There’s a lot more that I could say, but you’ll figure it out.
As long as you’re not a stupid religious dummy, that is. They can’t figure anything out.

Ps.
Here are some BONUS PRO-TIPS:

– If you are in a library, grab a bible and put it in the fiction section. Take a picture and post it on twitter. Repeat. You’ll have so many twitter followers.
– When you’re talking to religitards, use the word “GAAAWD” instead of god. It makes them mad and then you can accuse them of ignoring Jesus when they get mad. Lololol
– Don’t have time to deal with these idiots? Call them liars. I mean, its obvious that they’re lying. And liars don’t deserve to be listened to cuz they lie.
– If people are wrong about something, its probably because of religion. Obviously if they were atheists they’d be awesome and use logic and reason and… yep. You guessed it.
F$#%ING SCIENCE!!!!!!

– @ElijiahT
————————————
Disclaimer:
This is satire.
It is not a response to Peter Boghossian’s book, A Manual for Creating Atheists.

If you thought it was funny, that was the intention.
Thanks for sharing it with your friends! Join me in this battle against [totally unreasonable] people.

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28 thoughts on “A Manual for Creating [totally unreasonable] Atheists

  1. silenceofmind

    This is great satire!

    If I were a Christian who used atheist propaganda techniques to spread the Word, I would become too embarrassed to face anyone.

    Yet atheists perform their propaganda charade in nearly every conversation I have with them.

    What is really mind boggling is that they are doing quite well in winning the hearts and minds of the educated elite.

    This can only mean we are in the New Dark Age of Stupid.

    Reply
    1. ElijiahT Post author

      To be fair, there are plenty of reasonable atheists out there. This post was meant to highlight a particular type of unreasonable atheism. Not all all atheists approach the issues like this.

      In fact, I’ve gotten a decent amount of positive feedback from atheists on this.

      Reply
      1. silenceofmind

        ElijiahT,

        There is no such thing as a reasonable atheists.

        If atheists were reasonable they wouldn’t be atheists.

        Atheism is the belief that everything happened all by itself.

        We know from common sense and basic science that everything happens for a reason.

        Consequently, atheism is not only a rejection of reason, it is a rejection of science.

        Nevertheless, I am happy for you.

        Every single atheist I have ever had a discussion with is exactly as you portray in your post.

      2. ElijiahT Post author

        I think there are far more unreasonable people than reasonable people; theist or atheist.

        It’s unfortunate that you’ve only ever dealt with unreasonable atheists, but that does not mean that all atheists are unreasonable.
        I think they’re wrong (obviously), but there are atheists who condemn the kind of atheism I’ve portrayed in this post.

      3. silenceofmind

        ElijiahT,

        There is a difference between being reasonable and being polite.

        Polite does not mean reasonable.

        Atheism is provably a 100% faith-based belief.

        That means any reason is beyond the ability of atheists to understand.

      4. Aerosol

        Silenceofmind…I know not a single atheist who is anything approaching the one/s satirized. This is why it is a satire. Your premises (which you present as isolated statements, since they barely connect with one another) cannot be substantiated. If you think they can be, please try to do so without simply restating them.

      5. silenceofmind

        Aerosol,

        Just open your eyes.

        Every atheist here has subjected me to some sort of verbal abuse.

        This is especially true when the subject of gay rights comes up.

        Atheists are the most elitist intolerant people on the planet.

      6. Aerosol

        Silenceofmind,

        “… the most elitist intolerant people on the planet.”

        Really? Not the North Korean government? Or Islamic extremists? Or the US Religious Right? Bill O’Reilly? Your hyperbole amazes me.

        Please return to your original ‘premises’ and review them honestly and carefully, taking into account the meaning of the word *satire*.

        As you may have presupposed, I am an atheist. I only challenge believers when they make outrageous statements.

      7. silenceofmind

        Sol,

        The North Korean regime is atheist.

        And Islamic regimes as bad as they are don’t hold a candle to atheist regimes in the brutality and mass murder department.

      8. Aerosol

        ‘Mind,

        “…don’t hold a candle to atheist regimes in the brutality and mass murder department.”

        Oh, that old chestnut. You need to do your research on that one.

        It’s like saying that American Football-playing countries invade Iraq and use nuclear weapons more than those who don’t play that form of football.

      9. silenceofmind

        Sol,

        The mass murder of 100,000,000 innocent people is only an “old chestnut” to atheists.

        But that is to be expected since atheists are the one’s justifying their own malignant, evil actions.

      10. Aerosol

        Silenceofthemind,

        Ok, since you seem to be determined to stick to this, I’ll try to help you out.

        You’re conflating (or confusing) totalitarianism/fascism with atheism. In case you were not aware, atheism differs from political ideologies and systems of government in that it has no ideology, no dogma, no followers, no adherents. Atheism is not an actual thing, it simply means **rejection of god claims**. It is not a movement, not a faith-based anything. Saying ‘athiest’ is kinda like saying ‘person who does not like football’. They can organise themselves very loosely, but still would have only that one thing in common. And no, the books written by Hitchens and Dawkins are NOT atheist dogma.

        To claim that genocide – or any foul acts – by any regime should be linked with “their” religious beliefs or lack thereof is either grossly ignorant or intellectually dishonest. This argument has been trotted out ad nauseum by Christian fundamentalists to the embarrassment of rational people – believers and non-believers alike – for years. Nobody in their right mind takes this seriously any more.

        If you want to though, then Christianity must be linked to the atrocities committed by the Nazi Party of Germany before and during World War II, since Hitler was, in fact, a Christian. You’ve probably heard both sides of that story, with both sides of the argument kicking Hitler back and forth. But you could always fact-check it in the actual history books. If you really cared to.

        It seems to me that atheism is the new communism – to Americans, anyway. Perhaps you’re from the generation that understands that. The rest of the world doesn’t seem quite as bothered. Even many Muslims (not regimes – that’s another issue) are unconcerned about atheism. But in the US, atheists are more hated than any other group by religious fundamentalists, according to recent studies – even less trusted than rapists, apparently. This seems completely irrational and deserves some thought and introspection, not the shoot-from-the-hip hysteria you display.

  2. MeesterGibson

    You’re better than this, someone must have really bothered you to go on about it like this. No reasonable person is interested in internet atheism, but maybe this is a good way for you to blow off some steam. You’re welcome to the atheists side whenever you’re ready.

    Reply
    1. ElijiahT Post author

      Actually, I wrote this in a rather good mood! Not a rant or blowing off steam. Its satire.
      And plenty of people still advocate this kind of unreasonable approach to atheism. I run into it every day.

      Reply
  3. Adversarial just for fun

    Try the Philosophical Theism and the Illogical Atheism facebook pages. They have some interesting stuff. There is someone there that calls the atheists described by your satire as “the mindless dawkinsite cult of the militant atheist mob”

    Reply
  4. Stan Adermann

    The thing I like about this is that while it is accurate in a lot of ways, it would take very little rewriting to be about the unreasonable Christians out there. Unreasonable is unreasonable.

    Reply
  5. apologiaeditor

    This was really funny, gave me a chuckle – you and I must have met some of the same people on Facebook, the only thing you missed was the times I’ve seen atheists suggest theists parents were too closely related!

    Reply
    1. ElijiahT Post author

      What kind? Say chewy double-chips chips ahoy and I’ll reject my beliefs 3 times before the rooster crows.

      I’m moderately uncomfortable responding with that, but I’m hitting the reply button anyway. lol

      Reply
  6. Cory Tucholski

    Reblogged this on Josiah Concept Ministries and commented:
    This made me laugh out loud. I have debated several of the truly UNREASONABLE atheists. To be fair, many atheists are very reasonable. But for those that aren’t, this post is all about them and perfectly satirizes their arguments. Just epic.

    Reply
  7. Pingback: “Christians are Retarded” and Other Stupid Things People Say | HashtagApologetics

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  9. Gordon -

    I was mildly amused until I got to point 8. And then I lost it! Utterly brilliant.

    Are you sure God actually created these people? I mean, He’s perfect and all-knowing, right? How could He get something so badly wrong???

    Ok, I’ve just had to admit that the very existence of the people who warrant your sarcasm proves beyond any doubt that God does not exist.

    Score one more for those persistent atheists. 😉

    Reply

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